How to deal with grief

Going through the grieving process is an important step in healing from a loss. While you’re on your grief journey, focus on things that can help you find your footing and start navigating through a changed world.

You don’t have to dive into all these areas right away. Read through this list and start with the ones that seem the most meaningful right now, and try to add new ones when you can.

• Care: Accept others’ expressions of care. Turn your caring outward and help others get through their own loss.
• Goals: At first, it might feel like your life no longer has purpose or meaning. It’s important to set small goals, even if it’s just a dinner or movie plan with a friend.
• Health: Rest, move, breathe and nourish yourself in body and mind. Self-care can give you a boost when you’re feeling exhausted.
• Hope: Find hope by speaking with others who have suffered loss, and learn from their experience.
• Security: Burdens and stress can press on you more than ever at a time like this. Ask for help.
• Small pleasures: Take time to appreciate a beautiful sunset. Literally stop and smell the flowers. Enjoy your favorite food.
• Time: Be patient. You’re going through a process that can take months, or even years. Give yourself time to gain the greatest possible understanding of your feelings.

Here are some of the most common feelings people may have while grieving. You may feel all of them, only a few, or you may be having a completely different experience:

• Becoming preoccupied with “could haves,” “would haves” and “should haves”
• Becoming preoccupied with dying and death
• Changing your eating habits, either gaining or losing weight
• Crying unexpectedly
• Finding it hard to believe or accept that this loss has occurred
• Feeling angry at the deceased for not taking care of themselves, for leaving you to deal with financial or other burdens, or simply for leaving you alone
• Feeling angry at others for not understanding what you’re going through
• Feeling angry when people tell you to “get on with your life”
• Feeling physically empty in your stomach or abdomen
• Getting frustrated when friends call too much or not enough, don’t invite you out anymore or try to push you back into the world before you’re ready
• Having a sense of restlessness or yearning
• Having trouble sleeping or sleeping more than usual
• Questioning your faith or being unable to find consolation in it
• Questioning your purpose or feeling lost
• Struggling to concentrate, even on the simplest tasks
• Using drugs or alcohol to help you cope
• Wanting to talk, but feeling hesitant to burden your friends and family

The short answer is, as long as it needs to. It takes time, and there are no schedules or marks on a calendar that tell you when one phase is over and the next has begun. You may find that after a certain amount of time (a month, for example), people may expect you to be “over it” and start moving on.

Take a breath and understand that your grief may never go away completely; rather, it’s something we learn to live with.

People often assume that grief has a limit. They also sometimes think the point of grieving is to let go of your feelings about a loved one. Neither of these are really true. It is realistic to assume that at some point, you’ll adjust and adapt to life without that person, but it’s unrealistic to expect your feelings to simply end. Demanding this of yourself can actually add to the burden of grief.

Remembering to take care of yourself will help the process of healing your mind, body and soul. Follow these self-care strategies, starting with what you can and checking in regularly to see what else you can add:

Physical care

• Remember to drink plenty of water and stay hydrated.
• Take a 15-second break every now and then to just breathe deeply.
• Move your body regularly – even light exercise such as walking or stretching can help reduce stress.
• Eat regular, small meals, and try to limit caffeine and sugar.
• Try to get regular sleep, and take naps as often as you need to.

Emotional processing

• Say your feelings out loud – whether to a friend, a mental health professional or just to yourself.
• Write it out. Journaling can help you work through your deepest feelings.
• Try not to overthink or overanalyze your emotions. Just feel what you’re feeling.
• Cry it out. Tears can be very cathartic and relieve a lot of pressure.
• Allow yourself to express, rather than suppress, your emotions.

Intellectual activites

• Read, both to gain insight and also just for fun.
• When you feel overwhelmed, allow yourself to take a break.
• Limit your exposure to negative news or violent movies, TV shows or other media.

Social connections

• Don’t be shy about leaning on the support of friends and family. Explain your feelings and ask for help.
• Spend time with those who are comfortable simply being there with you.
• Give and get hugs. They are healing wonders.
• Allow others to be strong for you sometimes.

Spiritual connections

• If you have strong religious or spiritual beliefs, allow yourself to seek comfort there.
• Your beliefs may be threatened. Don’t be afraid of the anger, frustration and panic that can arise.
• Pain, grief and loss are human emotions that we all experience at times. Accept and experience them.